Who am I to say what you should or should not do with your coronavirus stimulus check? I'm Mark. Now that we've got that out of the way, here is a list of sixteen things you should not do with your coronavirus stimulus check.
- Immediately go into your boss' office and yell, "See ya', wouldn't want to be ya'! I quit" Why not? Your boss will not be in his office but will be at home sheltering in place.
- Purchase an ostrich as a pet or for any purpose. Ostriches (or is it ostri…ostrium?) look like fun, but they are enormous and take up most of the sofa.
- Play the lottery. Look, you will probably win (no, you won't), and then you'll have to figure out how to spend all of that money (no, you won't).
- Cash your check, ask for all one's, and then count it right there at the teller...licking your finger between each dollar.
- Buy a new flat-panel TV when you don't have enough money for your rent or mortgage, thinking, "The government will bail me out of this."
- Buy a bunch of belts and socks and use them as slingshots.
- Build a Batcave. You won't have enough money. However, you might be able to buy a small cave with nothing in it...or just a bat.
- Buy a one-way plane ticket to Tibet in search of the lost city of unicorns. Avoid this primarily because unicorns don't live in Tibet. They live in Andorra.
- Invest your entire check in COVID-19 memorabilia.
- Let your cousin Dieter, who just got out of prison, invest your money in his tattoo and moonshine distillery business.
- Send $1200 to that guy in Romania you met on the internet who says he has a COVID-19 wonder drug for the exact amount of your stimulus check.
- Build a time machine. First of all, that would take too long. Secondly, "Hello, Eloi and Morlocks…?"
- Invest your money in rare and unwatched Seinfeld episodes. LOL, I crack myself up, "…rare and unwatched Seinfeld episodes."
- Put the cash in a pot, bury it, dig it up 15 years later, open it, and have the money tested for coronavirus.
- Buy uranium ore and plan to do bad things with it.
- Put gas in your car, drive to a research lab, let medical researchers inject you with the next version of coronavirus to see its effects. Frankly, you might be able to do this before you receive your stimulus check.
- Get rid of cable television and construct the world's biggest antenna. Actually, that might be kind of cool. Never mind, do that!
- Buy a webcam and then ask a neighbor if your can record yourself tucking him into bed.
- Buy old bound volumes of encyclopedias as an investment.
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